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In the field of fiction, police stories are a source of entertainment for millions; they are also cause mass cringing amongst police officers. Before embarking on a time-consuming writing session, take time to observe reality. Then decide if you want to write a ‘police procedural’ story or a work of absolute fantasy. Whatever your choice, here are some common clichés( *** ) that are bound to raise the heckles of police officers across the nation …
1: The aging police sergeant who calls all his underlings 'Lad' or ‘Laddie’, as in: ‘Come on, laddie, let’s get it right…’ We're in the 21st century – we don't say that anymore. 2: The FBI agent who calls all other agents ‘agent’, as in Mulder saying, ‘Agent Scully, kiss me’, and Scully replying, ‘Sorry, Agent Mulder, but I’m already married to Agent Smith.’ Equally, the Police Constable who calls all his colleagues ‘PC Smith/Brown/White …’ as in ‘Sorry sarge, but PC White told me that PC Smith was going to do it.’ We have real names, and we're not afraid to use them. 3: The black PC who has a chip on his shoulder and thinks everyone is against him because he’s a black man in a white world; or the female inspector (or higher rank) with a chip on her shoulder because everyone’s against her because she’s a woman in a man’s world. Yes, strange as it might seem, despite recent publicity the majority of police officers don’t hold racist or sexist views. Those who do have a tendency to keep their views to themselves or face the sack. 4: The detective chief inspector (DCI) who (almost) single handedly investigates and solves every murder in his police force area. When the heck does a DCI find the time to abandon his paperwork and meetings schedule to get involved in police work? Even one murder enquiry would involve a team of over twenty detectives, plus their supervisors. To give you a clue, here is a transcript of a recent conversation I had with a DCI: HIM - 'God, have I been busy today.' ME - 'Busy? I've been here since six this morning, clearing up all this crap.' HIM: 'Six? I was at a meeting at six - and I had to apologise for being late 'cos the first one ran over.' Okay, there's an element of 'You had gravel for breakfast? You were lucky: in my day we didn't have gravel ...' but the humour is rooted in truth. Mostly, DCIs are administrators. Yes, they do take on the role of SENIOR INVESTIGATING OFFICER in murders, but they guide and supervise and rarely, if ever, become embroiled in the hands-on stuff. They delegate – to a detective inspector (DI). The DI has too many meetings to go to (because the DCI can’t be in two places at once), so he delegates to the detective sergeant (DS) who, in turn delegates to the detective constable (DC) because he can, and because he’s too busy writing staff appraisals and replying to letters from the public to do it himself! 5: The maverick detective who is a ‘loose cannon’ and is constantly badgered by his senior officer for being unorthodox in his approach. You know the sort: he bursts into meetings and swears at the boss; he harasses the chief suspect until a confession is forthcoming; he totally ignores everyone who thinks he’s wrong, and in the end he is proven right, often using unlawful interview techniques to prove his point (see below)… He’d be dismissed or demoted for poor conduct. 6: The scene in the interview room where a uniformed constable stands guard silently, while the ‘real police officer, detective chappie’ (maybe it’s the maverick from paragraph 5, above) carries out a badgering and hectoring interview on tape with no solicitor present. Uniformed police officers are usually the ones who arrest people. They are not highly paid stooges for the CID. Also, oppression is a technique that cannot be used. Officers are trained in interview techniques and use them. Cases are lost if there is even a hint of oppression. In one famous case the interviewing officer drummed his fingers on the table as he asked questions. In court the defendant claimed that he had only confessed to the crime because the of the officer’s oppressive habit. The court found the defendant not guilty. 7: The ‘interrupted interview’ scene – e.g. the Detective Sergeant butts in with ‘valuable new information’ causing the ‘very senior police officer’ (and how the hell did he get released from a meeting to carry out the interview?) to leave the room. Normally this is the one scene where the scriptwriter/director didn’t bother with the ‘dumb uniform constable guard’, and the prisoner foolishly declined the offer of free legal advice so there’s no one else with him, so the prisoner is left unattended in the room, complete with recording equipment and tape still running. The POLICE & CRIMINAL EVIDENCE ACT and the Codes of Practice lay many restrictions on interviews and the recording of them – this would never happen. 8: The interview where the mentally subnormal suspect is interviewed regarding a murder. There is no solicitor and no appropriate adult. Oops, the suspect admits he killed the victim. The POLICE & CRIMINAL EVIDENCE ACT and the Codes of Practice lay many restrictions on interviews and the treatment of persons in custody. A doctor and/or a full mental heath team would assess a ‘challenged’ individual. If deemed fit to be interviewed there would have to be an ‘appropriate adult’ present during the interview. In murder cases, no matter how able the suspect, the absence of a solicitor almost never occurs. 9: The interview that takes place out of all realms of control… Our mild mannered hero, Detective Chief Inspector Goodcop, has (almost) single handedly investigated the triple murder at Tingly Bottom (the seat of the Tingly-Shinglys for many a year), aided only by a very dim Detective Sergeant who has difficulty tying his own shoe laces. The field is narrowed down to only one possible suspect, Lord Tingly-Shingly. In the drawing room of Shingly Manor the DCI puts his case to the Lord:
‘Lord Shingly: I have reason to believe that YOU killed Sonia, the house maid, in order to silence her because she knew of your affair with Peter, the gardener. You poisoned her cornflakes…’ (- long explanation follows -) ‘…but you had failed to notice that Peter also used the same cereal in the mornings. His death was an accident, but you caused it, nonetheless. Finally, you shot Lady Shingly on the clay pigeon shoot because you suspected that she was going to blackmail you over your homosexual affairs, thus jeopardising you career as a High Court Judge.’ Lord Shingly shifts uneasily in his chair. A look of humiliation crosses his face as he realises that DCI Goodcop has outwitted him. ‘Yes, Detective Chief Inspector, but how are you going to prove it? Do you have evidence?’ Pulling out several scrunched-up pieces of paper from his jacket pocket, and dropping his sweet wrappers in the process, DCI Goodcop replies, ‘Indeed I do, Lord Shingly. I have the purchase receipt for the rat poison you bought, and a full forensics match on the weapon used to shoot your wife.’ ‘OK, Detective Chief Inspector, I admit it. I’d loved peter ever since I saw him pot the pansies last spring…’ 10: The cop who tastes the white powder and declares: 'Yep, that's heroin.'
It's not gong to happen. If the cop was stupid enough to do this then, in all likelihood, he would go a little woozy, spin in a circle, fall to the ground and vomit. Heroin (apart from NOT being a white powder) is a powerful opiate. Those not used to it will vomit violently unless provided with suppressant. I'm fairly certain I onece saw Kojak dip his lolly into one bag of powder as if it were a sherbet dip! I must catch the re-runs on satellite TV and see if my memory serves me well ... One more to go, but first a round-up of what we’ve learned so far: Particularly if you want to reflect reality, take time to research how the police deal with certain matters – namely, the ones you are writing about. Read the Police & Criminal Evidence Act Codes of Practice and see how restrictive modern legislation is. Ask a cop for advice about procedure and the law (buy him/her a drink while you’re at it). Research legislation on the web – try the HMSO and Home Office web sites. Keep it fiction, but keep it real. If you’re going into the realms of fantasy and choose to ignore contemporary legislation (do remember to research legislation for the period in which the story is set), your character has to be strong enough to make even the most cynical amongst us believe that he could succeed! But finally, the humdinger cliché of them all – 11: The cop who loved doughnuts: Every day we see scenes of orgiastic feasting on doughnuts: officers abandon their posts en masse to get their teeth into those deep fried, sugar coated, jam filled delights. It matters not that there’s a multiple pile-up on the M1, or that reporters are now trampling all over the crime scene and they now have photographs of the mutilated body… Okay, smartie-pants, you'll have noticed my own cliché - referring to most police personnel as 'he' or 'him' etc. This is to avoid using 'they/them/their' when referring to a singular person, and to avoid the use of the clumsy 'his/her' and 'he/she'. I beg your indulgence. (Back to top). |
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