Wired!

Episode One of 6 Half Hour TV Comedy Dramas

(extract)

Lady Diva

by

Chris Lakeman Fraser

Jez Guy

SCENE INT. - DAY Studio

The heavy studio doors are thrown open with a flourish as Lady Diva flounces in swathed in furs.

Lady Diva

Darlings, C'est moi.

Her awaiting entourage rush forward, beside themselves with excitement.

Where is my engineer?

Edward steps forward. Lady Diva thrusts out a bejewelled hand. In the confusion he can't make up his mind if he should kiss her hand or curtsy.

He does both.

Lady Diva

My agent told me you were dead.

Edward

Accounts of my death have been greatly exaggerated, Lady Diva.

How lovely to see you again. We're all set up. Your fans and musicians have been eagerly awaiting your arrival.

Lady Diva

For Christ's sake, Edward - you are such a crawler. If you weren't so good at twiddling your knobs, I'd sack you on the spot.

Everyone laughs at Edward. He cringes with embarrassment.

Could somebody take my coat?

A sea of helping hands dart forward.

Acolyte

Lady Diva, your flowers. We flew them over from Brazil especially.

Lady Diva

You are so kind - so very kind. Thank you. My favourites.

She smells them and throws some to her fans.

But first I need a drink.

From somewhere beneath a sea of fur she produces a half bottle of vodka and takes a slug.

She side-steps to place her almost empty half bottle on a nearby tape machine and trips over her high heels.

Edward (under his breath)

Oh my God....

Chas

I meant to warn you.

Lady Diva

Right you lot - I've had enough of you all standing around looking....let's get on with it. Where do I go?

Top

Edward

This is Chas, my assistant. He'll get you set up.

Aside toChas

For Christ's sake don't let her fall down the steps

Chas, Indicates the way.

Chas

Follow me Lady Diva.

Lady Diva

Young man you may escort me. The last person I followed was Tom Jones.

When two stars shine so very brightly the intensity of their energy is intoxicating. Although we didn't perform together, people could tell there was a chemistry between us.

SCENE Int. day recording booth (cont)

How sweet - you've given me my own little room.

Chas helps her in. She falls against him.

Lady Diva (giggling.)

Steady Tom, we're not alone. There's an awful lot of people just over there.

Chas

I'm Chas. They are your backing vocalists.

The group come over and maahh, maaahh kiss each other.

The Musical Director, Ross pokes his head round the door.

Chas

Let me introduce you to your musical director, Ross Hamilton.

Ross gives a small bow

Ross

Love your dress. Yves St Laurent?

Lady Diva

Spot on.

Ross

And if I'm not mistaken, a whiff of Arpege

Top

She smiles. Ross goes off to confer with the singers.

lady diva

How come I'm in here, and they're out there?

chas

There's three of them and one of you. You can't get four female singers in a booth of this size - your egos wouldn't fit.

lady diva

I don't want to be shut away in this little room. I want to be there with them so I can tell if they're talking about me.

chas

Right you are. Hang on, I'll move your mic.

They both exit

SCENE int. day main studio

Lady diva

I thought there'd be a stage.

chas

This isn't the bloody Palladium

Lady diva

I can see that! If this was the bloody Palladium, I'd have filled it twice over. And move my flowers please. The perfume relaxes me.

he moves some of the arrangements and .........

Chas

Your headphones, Lady Diva.

Lady Diva

No darling, I don't need them.

Top

Chas

How will you hear the band?

Lady Diva

You just play it to me. I may be a lot of things but I ain't deaf.

And Jeff.........

Chas looks slightly pained as she fails once more to register his name

......don't let anyone touch my medicine. That Edward's a sneaky old sod, given half a chance he'll be whetting his whistle.

She winks at him lasciviosly

Chas

OK Lady Diva. Give me a shout if you need anything.

Lady Diva totters a bit and kicks out at a nearby floral arrangement.

Lady Diva

Who put those fuckers there?

the playback starts and Lady Diva lets loose, loudly and off key.

in every lyrical gap, she takes the opportunity to insult Edward, or the backing singers or her entourage. Top