Waiting for Doug

Mike Beevor

I'm just waiting for Doug. I'm not a PERMANENT resident here. Doug has only left me for a while - he had to go away on important business, a change of office. He's coming to get me when it's all sorted out.

Such times we've had! Holidays, parties - oh my God, I could make your hair stand on end, and Doug, the life and soul, and me - the quiet one! Mousy Melvin.

I'll always remember the day we met. I was walking my dog Bruce in the park and I heard a lot of commotion. I strolled towards the hubbub and saw a big crowd of people watching something. I could hear two old ladies saying 'oh I like that one' and 'she's not so nice, she's too skinny'. As I drew closer I heard one of the old ladies say 'oh - he's nice' and discovered that they were talking about models that I found out later were on location shooting for a catalogue. The young man that the ladies had said was nice was very nice. It was Doug wearing grey trousers and a lovely bright red blouson jacket with a large black letter C on the front left side. He was a dream and I just stared and stared. I was so entranced that I let go of Bruce's' lead and to my embarrassment he ran up to the models. Doug saw the location crews annoyance, and before the photographer could snap at me Doug grabbed Bruce's collar and brought him back to me. For a few seconds I couldn't speak, then completely out of character I asked Doug if I could repay him with a cup of coffee after the shoot, and to my surprise he agreed.

So that's how it all started. When people asked me how I met Doug I used to say I got him out of a catalogue - male order! Doug did well out of that shoot, the clothes sold well and he did a lot of work for that catalogue after that. He got lots of work for other catalogues too, and he did some commercials - how we laughed at his cheesy grin in the aftershave commercial, but he got lots of repeat fees for that. It was on between 'The Avengers' and 'Sunday Night at the Palladium' for weeks. I've got all of Doug's pictures from the catalogues and I've shown them to everyone here, but Doug gets annoyed when I show them around - he says it was a long time ago and things move on. Not many people in his office know about his glamorous past.

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I remember our first holiday - in Ibiza, it wasn't long after we met. Doug was so handsome in those days - well of course he still is. It seems to be me who has aged, although I'm only ten years older than he is. What did that bitch Harry say shortly before Doug put me here? "You look old enough to be his Father". Of course I cried - men DO you know. Harry is so unkind. We all get older you know Harry!

Doug likes Harry - can't resist his blue eyes, and freckles. Can't see what he saw in me - I've got neither. Hazel eyes and a few moles, still he loves me, and he's coming to get me soon!

In Ibiza we had a wild time, we went to the Casino and saw the Three Degrees. Funny thing was that I thought they were also in London that week. I reckon that there are loads of Three Degrees all over the place. If you go round the world there are probably 360 degrees performing from the North Pole to the equator to the South Pole, Still, they were really good, much better than that 'Gypsy' violinist - Gypsy my arse, seen more gypsies in Sainsburys than him!

We used to get our party food in Sainsburys. Doug would always choose the wine, but he always let me choose the food. I would make things too, though no one liked my lovely spinach quiche and I thought it was one of my best creations. Harry put his fingers down his throat and made sicky sicky noises. I'd have stuck the quiche firmly up his - ah well, you know how I hate Harry!

And why did Harry have to come with us to Paphos? He was such a pain. He just got in the way as far as I'm concerned.

Didn't want to see the mosaics, didn't want to go the ruins! Called me an old ruin, he's got a nasty mind! Sunbathe, sunbathe, sunbathe, that's all HE wanted to do, and Doug stayed with him most of the time. Said he needed looking after - ten years younger than Doug and he needs looking after - would you believe it? Still Doug would make it up to me in the evening, silly Harry just sat at the bar drinking and sulking - I don't know why he bothered to come with us, he could have just stayed at home on his sunbed! I shall insist he doesn't come next time.

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We were so upset when our dog Bruce died, still he was very old and Doug said that he had had a good innings. I had always assumed that we would get another one, but Doug was adamant - 'no more' he said. We had a big argument about it. As usual Doug got his way, he said that no one could replace Bruce and anyway pets just tie you down. All that palaver at the kennels plus a small fortune to keep him there! Doug stayed away more and more after Bruce was gone, Conferences, Training, and endless overtime seemed to take over his life. Another dog would have kept me company on those lonely nights.

I wish I had a pet now, I'm lonely here too. Bruce must have felt like this when we left him behind, there's not much to do and no-one sensible to talk too, the residents are all barking mad!

When Doug takes me home we're going to have a great party, and we're going to plan our next dream holiday - without Harry. It'll be just like the old days!

I hope that Doug can make it this week - he's been so busy lately.

Oh Doug, I do miss you!