Billy Liar

Keith Waterhouse and Willis Hall

Extract

BARBARA

What is it?

BILLY

Sit down darling. darling, are you still coming to tea this afternoon?

BARBARA

Of course

BILLY

Because there are some things I want to tell you.

BARBARA

What things Billy?

BILLY

You know what you said the other night - about loving me? Even if I were a criminal

BARBARA

Well?

BILLY

You said you'd still love me even if I'd murdered your mother

BARBARA (suspiciously)

Well?

BILLY

I wonder if you'll still love me when you hear what I've got to say. You see - well, you know that I've got a fairly vivid imagination, don't you?

BARBARA

Well, you have to have if you're going to be a script-writer, don't you?

BILLY

Well, being a script-writer, I'm perhaps - at times - a bit inclined to let my imagination run away with me. As you know.

You see, the thing is, if we're going to have our life together - and that cottage - and little Billy and little Barbara and the lily pond and all that . . . Well, there's some things that need to be cleared up.

BARBARA

What things?

BILLY

Some of the things I'm afraid that I've been telling you.

BARBARA

Do you mean you've been telling me lies?

BILLY

Well, not lies exactly . . .

Top

But I suppose I've been, well, exaggerating some things. Being a script writer . . .

For instance, there's that business about my father. Him being a sea captain. On a petrol tanker.

BARBARA

You mean he's not on a petrol tanker?

BILLY

He's not even in the Navy.

BARBARA

Well what is he?

BILLY

He's in the removal business.

BARBARA

And what about him being a prisoner of war? And that tunnel? And the medal? Don't say that was all lies?

BILLY

Yes. Are you cross?

BARBARA

No - not cross. Just disappointed. It sounds as though you were ashamed of your father.

Top

BILLY

I'm not ashamed. I'm not - I'm not!

BARBARA

Otherwise why say he was a prisoner of war? What was he?

BILLY

A conscientious ob... He wasn't anything.

He wasn't fit. He has trouble with his knee.

BARBARA

The knee he's supposed to have been shot in, I suppose.

BILLY

Yes. Another thing, we haven't got a budgie or a cat.

And I didn't make the furniture . . . Not all of it anyway.

BARBARA

How many other lies have you been telling me?

BILLY

My sister.

BARBARA

Don't tell me you haven't got a sister

Top

BILLY

I did have. But she's dead. ....

If you're still coming for your tea this afternoon they never talk about her. You remind me of her . . .

If you're not coming I'll understand . . .

I'm just not good enough for you Barbara. . .

If you want to give me the engagement ring back - I'll understand.

BARBARA

Don't be cross with yourself Billy. I forgive you.

BILLY

Darling - -

BARBARA

But promise me one thing.

BILLY

That I'll never lie to you again? (she nods) I'll never lie to you again. Never, I promise. . . darling, there is one thing. I have got a granny.

BARBARA

I believe you.

BILLY

Only she's not blind. She's not very well though. She's upstairs. Sleeping. She might have to have her leg off.

BARBARA

Poor darling

BILLY

Would you like a drink?

Top

BARBARA

Not now pet.

BILLY

Port, to celebrate.

BARBARA

All right. well, just a tiny one.

Billy

I'm turning over a new leaf. (He puts a passion pill in her drink) That's yours darling.

BARBARA

Let's talk about something nice.

BILLY

Let's talk about our cottage.

BARBARA

Oh, I've seen the most marvellous material to make curtains for the living room. Honestly, you'll love it. It's a sort of turquoise with lovely little squiggles like wine glasses.

BILLY

Will it go with the yellow carpet?

Top

BARBARA

No, but it will go with the grey rugs.

BILLY

I love you darling

BARBARA

I love you -

BILLY

Do you? Really and truly?

BARBARA

Of course I do.

BILLY

Are you looking forward to getting married?

BARBARA

I think about it every minute of the day

BILLY

Darling - - don't ever fall in love with anybody else.

BARBARA

Let's talk about our cottage

BILLY (dreamily)

What about our cottage?

BARBARA

About the garden. Tell me about the garden.

BILLY

We'll have a lovely garden. We'll have roses in it daffodils and a lovely lawn with a swing for little Billy and little Barbara to play on. And we'll have our meals down by the lily pond in summer.

Top

BARBARA

Do you think a lily pond is safe?

What if the kiddies wandered too near and fell in?

BILLY

We'll build a wall around it. No - no we won't. We won't have a pond at all. We'll have an old well. An old brick well where we draw the water.

We'll make it our wishing well. Do you know what I'll wish?

BARBARA

No

BILLY

Tell me what you'll wish first

BARBARA

Oh, I'll wish that we'll always be happy. And always love each other. What will you wish?

BILLY

Better not tell you

BARBARA

Why not pet?

BILLY

You might be cross.

BARBARA

Why would I be cross?

Top

BILLY

Oh, I don't know . . . You might think me too . . . well forward. Barbara - Do you think it's wrong for people to have - you know - feelings?

BARBARA

Not if they are genuinely in love with each other.

BILLY

Like we are

BARBARA

Yes -

BILLY

Would you think it wrong of me to have - feelings?

BARBARA

I think we ought to be married first!

BILLY (placing his hand on Barbara's knee)

Darling- - -

BARBARA

Are you feeling all right?

BILLY

Of course darling, why?

BARBARA

Look where your hand is -

BILLY

Darling, don't you want me to touch you?

BARBARA

It seems. . . indecent somehow.

Top

BILLY

Are you feeling all right?

BARBARA

Yes, of course.

BILLY

How do you feel?

BARBARA

Contented.

BILLY

You don't feel - - - you know - restless?

BARBARA

No

BILLY

Finish your drink

BARBARA

In a minute. Have an orange.

BILLY

You and your bloody oranges!

BARBARA

Billy! - - darling!

BILLY

I'm sorry darling. I've had a terrible morning.

BARBARA

Why what happened?

BILLY

Oh nothing. The usual. family and things. Just that I've got a headache.

Top

BARBARA

I'm sorry pet. You know, you ought to see a Doctor.

BILLY

I've seen doctors - specialists - I've seen them all. All they could give me was a crepe bandage. You know my darling, I think you have feelings too. Deep down.

BARBARA

Oooh sticky paws!

BILLY

Wipe them on the cushion.

You can go upstairs if you want. Use our bathroom.

BARBARA

Thank you.

BILLY (as she leaves Billy spikes her drink with all the pills, then crosses the hall and answers the phone)

Top

The Fisher residence? Can I help you?

(His manner changes)

Oh hello Mr Duxbury. No, well I'm sorry but I've had an accident. I was just leaving for work and I spilt this hot water down my arm. I had to get it bandaged.

Oh well, I think there's a very simple explanation for that, Mr Duxbury. You see, there's a lot of those figures that haven't been carried forward. . .

- I use my own individual system - . . . No. No not me Mr Duxbury. I'm sure you'll find there's a simple explanation -

What? Monday morning? Yes of course I'll be there. Prompt. Thank you Mr Duxbury. Thank you for ringing. Goodbye

-(then)-

Well look Duxbury - we're not going to argue over trivialities. As soon as I've finished my arrangements with Mr Boon I'll get in touch with you.

Hello Duxbury? I'm afraid the answer is no. I fully agree that a partnership sounds very attractive - but frankly my interests lie in other directions. I'm quite willing to invest in your business, but I just have not the time to take over the administrative side . . .

Oh I agree that you have a sound proposition there. . . granted!

I take you point Mr Duxbury. What's that little saying of yours? 'You've got to come down to earth.' It's not a question of coming down to earth old man. Some of us belong in the stars. The best of luck Mr Duxbury, and keep writing. . .

Well Doctor, if the legs got to come off - -

It's not a question of coming down to earth, Mr Duxbury. Some of us, Mr Duxbury, belong in the stars.